I heard someone say aloud at a party, “Who does she think she is?” The person was talking to someone else about someone else, but that phrase stuck with me for sometime. What or who do any of us think we are?
I am a mother, an alright one, in my mind. I don’t let my role as mother define me however, I’m also a wife but that certainly does not sum up who I am. I am a Doula and a childbirth educator but these are professions, as much as I love them they are what I do and not who I am. I waited tables for almost 20 years and until I had children thought the service industry was my life. I am still a waiter in every sense I guess. I do love to wait on and serve others, and the fine dining experience I accrued has served me well as a Doula, but I am not a waiter either.
If I take a good long hard look at myself, I guess I am a sum of my experiences, which in my mind have been a long series of mistakes. Lying when I shouldn’t, excesses in my 20′s I shudder to reflect on, I was a smoker for more years than I care to admit, and a maker of bad choices. Every week seems to bring up a deficiency, every mom tantrum tears at my ego. But I pick myself up and dust myself off and try not to make the same mistake again. I mostly try not to beat myself up. I try to be nice to me, because deep down, I’m a decent human being with a lot of love to give. I’m not perfect, but I have a vision and I have drive. I hope any mistakes I’ve made will be forgiven in the end. I wonder if I had my life to live again would I do anything different? Tallulah Bankhead said, “If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.” I guess I would too.
Now here I am hosting a talk radio show about Parenting, I laugh when someone mistakenly refers to me as an expert on anything. I admit at the start of the show every week that I am not one, and am reminded of that fact daily by my actions as wife and mother. I would be lying if I said the show was just for the public and part of my ‘service’, most of the questions I ask are not for the benefit of the audience but for me. Hey, if I am in front of an expert on a topic that is going on n my life, don’t you think for second that I’m not going to ask a question about my own situation.
I do care though, deeply, for mothers and their families. I do want to fight for parents and children’s rights, I want to speak truth to power and never sell out. I want to be the best wife and mom I can be. Am I successful? Sometimes, sometimes I experience short moments of inexplicable joy in accidental moments of perfection. But though those moments are fleeting, they are strong enough to make me crave more and keep trying.
So what I know for sure is, I am not perfect, but I love and am loved in return. I am fearless and I don’t back down. I am an optimist, a dreamer, a stubborn ass. A flake, a ding-dong, a nerd, a clown and a fool. I can be naive, and I can be steely, I drive a hard bargain and get what I want when I want it bad enough. I am bad at knowing when enough is enough, and I sulk when I feel I have hurt you. I am bitchy and frank and I am also insecure and unsure. I am a reader of minds and a healer. I am a keeper of secrets and a hater of laundry. I am addicted to;birth, back rubs, coffee, kisses from my daughters, sushi, Face Book and good books.
I am just me.
Some favorite quotes of mine:
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.-Oscar Wilde
She had an unequaled gift… of squeezing big mistakes into small opportunities.-Henry James
No one who cannot rejoice in the discovery of his own mistakes deserves to be called a scholar.-Donald Foster
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Gena Kirby is on a mission. Gena wants moms to know what they are not being told and that they are not alone. On any given day she is either sharing information about gentle birth and parents right to informed consent on her radio program, or sharing tips on babywearing on her tv show. She might be at a new moms house delivering a breast pump from her store, and showing her the easiest way to pump. She may be blogging about the newest information on vbacs (vaginal birth after cesarean) or writting about non-violent parenting for a local magazine or syndicated blog. Gena is a tireless advocate for mothers, babies, parents and the people that love them.
March 31, 2010
A.K.
